Surrender

Hmmm, I'll admit, I'm not peaceful right now, I'm trying to be, I'm seeking for God's peace, I'm just not there yet. And mainly I think that's cause He's asking me to surrender some things to Him that I'm scared to let go of. Like that's an unfamiliar story eh? I'm scared that if I let go, if I'm not in control, that the right thing won't happen, that what I want won't happen, talk about conceited, like God would screw it up and I wouldn't. Like I could do a better job than the Creator of the universe, I'm an idiot sometimes. But the desires of my heart, those are hard to give, even to Him.

However, He has once again faithfully laid out for me the next step and the next so that I'm not completely stumbling around in the dark. I pulled out a book that I had put down for a while last night and was confronted with some things that God was very clearly speaking into my life at this exact moment in time.

First of all peace, Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". Couldn't get much clearer than that I don't think

Secondly, God is interested in the journey, not just in the destination. I so look at this time in my life as something that I just need to survive through until I get to the place that I want to be, I don't think that is what God is intending for me. God has all the time in the world and through these journeys He is refining and increasing faith. Yeah, see how that fits, see how I need to learn to have more faith, maybe surrender these things that I'm holding onto for dear life, hmmm, someone needs to trust more I think. But knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easier to do.

Perhaps the thing that struck me the most was the last paragraph in the chapter and it was this:

"Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we'll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create ourselves-whether it comes with pomp and blare, or quietly, like an old friend. Perhaps...perhaps...we should entrust our questions of How? and Who? and When? into His tender care."

You think Ang? That could have been the last sentence. So even as I write this I'm praying for these things that I so want to lay at His feet, safe and secure, in His loving hands, in the hands of the One who makes the impossible, possible and who loves me more than I could possibly fathom.

I'm so torn...

So for the past 3 months I've been trying to extracate myself from my church just a little bit so that I can start going to another church part time. For the most part I just need to meet new people and have some fellowship with people that are where I'm at right now. And a little piece of me is pretty sure that I'm never going to meet a guy unless I go to a different church. I'll be honest, a BIG piece of me wants to meet that guy, soon! But as hard as I've tried to tone down the amount of involvement I have in our church, the more involved I seem to get. I find myself on the C&C leadership team, heavily involvedin youth, even more heavily involved in praise team, and now facing possibly being on a worship team committee. What I can't seem to figure out right now is if I just can't say no to stuff or if God is bringing this and trying to tell me to stay put. I'm so torn...it's hard cause I love our church, I love the preaching and the worship, I love the people I know, I love the youth...so torn. And it's tearing me up inside a bit to be honest, ugh, I feel like I can't hear God right now...

And this verse was the daily bible verse on my facebook profile, I think that it's beautiful, I don't even know if I've ever read it before, I know that God is good and cares about my details even when I feel like he doesn't. That's not His failure, it's definitely mine...but a beautiful reminder this is for me...

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:1-3

Love and prayers,

Ang

How do you love?

God says that we are supposed to love one another and it's so easy to love the people in our lives that are easy to love. But how do I love the people who are hard to love, or worse yet the people that it hurts to love? Jesus didn't pick and choose who to love, He loved the people who thought so little of His love that they hung Him on a cross, He loved them enough to hang on that cross for them. But I'm not Jesus and as the human that I am I'd rather throw in the towel sometimes. I guess it's a good thing that God didn't have that attitude about me, so to my knees I go, thanking God for His perfect and unfailing love, thanking Him for the amazing love that people in my life have blessed me with, and praying for just a fraction of His love to make it's way through me, for me to be able to clearly see how best to love and be gracious. Because when faced with the truth, but for grace, I would be unloveable to a perfect and holy God.

Do you believe?

First of all, it's been a long time since I've updated my blog, sorry! My age old struggle to daily be in God's word yet again hit a wall, amazing how life can get me down when that happens, coincidence, I think not. So I'm ashamed to admit that I did a devotional tonight for the first time in literally a month, I run back to God when I'm desperate, instead of walking with him daily, you'd think that I would learn. But as always, He meets me where I am and the words that I read tonight, I've read the story a dozen times, but the actual words and their meaning hit me this time like a brick.

I'm reading God Came Near by Max Lucado right now too, this was actually the next chapter (in an amazing book, I recommend it, very short 2-3 page chapters with amazing ways to think about things). He was talking about John 11, Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. We know the story, Jesus knew Lazarus was sick, he waited to go his village, Lazarus dies, Martha and Mary don't understand why Jesus didn't come sooner and save him, Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead, an amazing miracle all in itself, but four little words and one little thing that Jesus did in this chapter caught my attention tonight. As I struggle with faith right now, not faith that God exists, Jesus died for me, God cares about me, or anything like that, just faith that I need to have in God with things in my life that I'm so hurting with right now, things I have no control over, things I can't change, things that are better left in His hands anyway.

The four words were "Do you believe this?" and Jesus' action "Jesus wept". Jesus asked Martha if she believed that He was "the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" Do you believe this??? Do I believe that God actually hears my prayers, that He's bigger than my fears and anxieties, that He has the most amazing plan for my life, that He cares so much more than anyone that I'm hurting, Do I believe this???? Oh God, how can I not when you provide such perfect reminders as these words. And Jesus wept, JESUS, he wept because of the sorrow that his loved ones were experiencing, if he wept with and for Mary and Martha, He weeps with me when I weep and am hurting, Do I believe this??? I'm compelled to! Do I forget sometimes, unfortunately yes, but on a night when I just needed to be reminded, I thank God that even if I lose faith occasionally, He nevers stops being trustworthy.

I'm tired of hearing...

I'm tired of hearing, from guys, how great a wife I'd make someone someday, how lucky some guy will be to get me, blah, blah, blah. If I'm so great, GET ME, stop talking about it and give it a try. If you're lying to me, or just saying that cause it's the thing to say, just stop, cause I'm not cool with that.

Stupid, prima donna hockey players!

Not much to say today other than this. I am so pickin' sick of these filthy rich hockey players whining and complaining about the "bad" winters in Edmonton. You play a sport where you SKATE AROUND ON FROZEN WATER RETARDS!! If it weren't for winter, your sport wouldn't exist! "oh, you're offering me 8 million dollars? Well I don't know if that's enough to put a heater in all 5 of my hummers, my children might freeze if I move there". Give me a friggin' break, for 8 million dollars a year you can excavate a tunnel and put in your own luxury heated train to get you anywhere you want to go in the city in the "bad" winters. Whatever happened to playing because you love it, playing on a team whose fans are among the most passionate in the league? Or does it suck playing for sold out crowds instead of buildings that are so empty you can hear cars going by outside? It's not like we're offering peanuts, 8 FREAKIN MILLION dollars, you can buy all the parkas you need! Once again thanks Lauren Pronger, you were able to almost single handedly destroy our chances of landing any big free agents ever again, you spoiled little brat!
(oh yeah, Ang is mad, very very mad).

the power of words...and the vulnerability of love

It's amazing how much power words have. One single word or comment has the power to make or break your day/heart/will/mood. I was reminded of that 2 days ago while I was at work. I was just finishing up with a client, and the mom, who is a complete stranger, looks at me just before they leave the room and says, "you have the most beautiful eyes", I was a little stunned, and replied "thanks, I guess I got them from my mom". For the rest of the day I felt so good inside. One little sentence from a stranger and my day was just that much brighter.

I think that I sometimes forget how much my words can effect people. I remember being teased fairly regularly in grade 7 by a group of boys in grade 9. They used to follow me home from school, teasing me about my weight and calling me names. Even when they moved on to high school they continued to do this anytime that they saw me crossing the field. I have never been able to get those words out of my head, it's literally been 15 years and I still carry around the scars that those words inflicted. I realize that I can sometimes have a biting sense of humor, but I also realize that I need to carefully consider even the words I say in jest, because the person on the receiving end may not be in a place to handle those words.

The power of words, they are one of the most potent weapons in our relational arsenal, if we're not careful with them. Through God's grace I need to be better at making sure the words that come out of my mouth are more uplifting, honest, and kind sometimes. Because, as I was reminded of so beautifully this week, a few nice words can change someone's whole outlook on the day.

The other thing that I've been thinking about a lot is love, the kind of love that Myron was talking about in his sermon last sunday, agape love, the love that we are supposed to have for each other as a family of believers. I do love to care about people, I like to take care of people, I like to make sure that people know they have someone caring about them, and when I see friends in trouble, lost, searching, or struggling it breaks my heart. However, I tend to, as Joel puts it "care too much about people and end up getting used and broken". I'm pretty passionate in my relationships, I care deeply, and my love language is definitely serving people. This tends to make it exceptionally easy for me to get taken advantage of. I think that it gets misread too. I have definitely been hurt because I've loved. But what is the alternative, to pretend that I don't have a heart? Pretend that I don't care? Live life without getting hurt and being vulnerable and miss out on what God has created life to be? IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE!! The whole of human history and future is about the passionate love that God has for us and that He wants us to have for each other. I came across a quote from C.S. Lewis recently that says what I'm trying to say much more eloquently:

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

To love is to be vulnerable, to be hurt sometimes, to look like an idiot. However is it worth locking my heart up and never knowing the fullness of what God intended human relationship to be? I think not. So I'll get hurt, be humiliated, be rejected, and be mocked but Jesus suffered through all of that and more to show me how much He loved me so I think that I'll survive.